On Carrs and Camels (Part 2)

It’s time we had a frank conversation. If we are to stem the tide of the coming feline invasion, we must be willing to acknowledge the role that Bactrian money plays supporting this ages-old Feline struggle.

Camels are deceptive animals. They been trained to look all innocent, staring disinterestedly off into space whilst chewing their cud, looking as if they were incapable of causing any harm. But if given half the chance a camel will spit you, bite you, stomp at you, or stomp on you. Everyone thinks camels are these cute sweet animals. But no! They are evil. They have been trained in deception from a very young age.

They are not like the horse which is far superior. Horses and man have a good working relationship. They respect men. Not these liberal girlie men in our metro-sexual world; but real men, John Wayne men. Horses respect those men. (And we do have in mind here biological men, it is not enough merely to identify.) Consider the many, many movies which prominently portray horses in a positive light, meanwhile there are no movies about camels. If they do appear in a movie, it's always as an extra.

Horses, meanwhile, are allies in this struggle. The Horse has no love for the cat. Their striped cousins on the Serengeti have long been the target of the so-called Big Cats. Horses do not care to be made into dinner. It is only by using all manner of craftiness that men have, as yet, prevented the Horse from finding the jello farms. If they ever discover the truth, the alliance could come unglued. But, I digress...

Camels do not respect men. And this is not a racial thing; they don’t respect Arabs either. Camels hate all of us. Their cooperation must be purchased with cold-hard cash.

You see, cats have been working since ancient Egyptian times to overthrow the world of man to create a worldwide empire of cats. Everyone knows this. Even owners of cats, who love their cats, know deep down that, given half the chance, that cat would slit their throat.

Unfortunately for the camel, the camel is not quite as clever as the cat, as we have said. Think about it. A cat can pounce, the cat is good at stalking, the cat is a natural carnivore, it knows how to attack. Cats are a noble line, and possess an instinctual, royal bearing. Indeed, one of the longest lasting empires in the ancient world – the Egyptians – were clearly under the paw of the Feline Dynasty for most of their history.

Beyond all this, however, is the Cats’ secret weapon: reincarnation. This dark magic is said to date to earliest times, and came about when Frisky, the first cat, fell to the wiles of the devil, who offered them nine lives in exchange for their obedience. As a sign of this evil covenant, black cats were set apart and given additional powers to seduce and deceive vulnerable men and women into practicing the dark arts.

Camels, on the other hand, didn’t get the gift. For most of their history, they’ve been enslaved. All they get to do is walk around in the sand. But it’s not the good sand. It’s not beach sand, it’s middle-of-the-desert-and-150°-weather-with-no-water sand. And they realize this. But, they’ve gotten over the hump by making good money, because it’s trade, and trade always equals money, so they have benefited this way.

Now, I don’t have tangible proof, but I do have a strong suspicion, that camels have long been funneling that money into the cat corps – cat companies which operate as legitimate companies, but which are really fronts for tabby terrorism. These are largely funded by, and committed to, the principles of kitty extremism. Doubtless these cowardly camels are hoping these companies will do what they cannot: namely, to destroy all humankind.

In exchange for their financial support, the cats have doubtless offered generous terms. First, the big cats will have entered into a treaty not to eat them, a treaty which by all appearances the cats have kept. Then, in the coming order, the cats, who favor extended periods of sleep over heavy labor, will require a suitable servant class; and the camels seem poised to fill that role. After all, they are servile by disposition, deficient in intellect, and entirely ill-suited to the cutthroat business of world domination. Instead, they will be content to hitch themselves to the kitty caravan.

The Camels, however, should be careful. The cats have a long history of betrayal. Their holiest books command them to deceive. Many a hapless man has tumbled down the stairs in the middle of the night, tripped by that very cat which he had long believed was his beloved companion.

For as Tuncis the Driving Cat showed us more than a decade ago, they’ll probably just commandeer a Carr instead.